by Jan Dravecky
Psalm 139 When I was a little girl, only five or six years old, I would sometimes get so mad at my parents that I would threaten to run away. I packed up my little suitcase with clothes, a few toys, and my favorite stuffed animal. Then I grabbed the handle of my little suitcase, stomped past my mom, and headed for the front door. Mom would stand at the door with a sad expression on her face and say, "Oh Jan, I hope you will be okay. We will miss you." But I would not be dissuaded. I marched down the front steps, Mom waved good-bye and closed the door. I looked out at the whole wide world. I could go anywhere I wanted, but suddenly I realized that there was only one place in the whole wide world where I would be safe and loved - back home. That realization carried me back up the driveway, through the front door, and into my mother's waiting arms. After battling clinical depression for months, feeling hopeless and unable to hang on to God any more, I felt the same way I did as a child. I was going to run away. And God let me walk right up to the edge. He let me walk to a place where I realized that no one loved me as he did. Just as my mother would not let me really run away, God wouldn't either. I am his child; but in his great wisdom, he let me realize that nowhere else in the whole wide world, nowhere in all creation, can I go from his presence. He wouldn't let me go. What a wonderful and humbling realization! I was in the same dilemma that faced Jesus' disciples when many people were leaving Jesus because of his difficult teachings. "You do not want to leave too, do you?" Jesus asked his twelve disciples. Peter answered, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God" (John 6:66-69). That's how I felt. Where else was I to go? God had me between a rock and a hard place. As David wrote: | You hem me in - behind and before; | | You have laid your hand upon me ... . | | Where can I go from your Spirit? | | Where can I flee from your presence? | | If I go up to the heavens, you are there; | | If I make my bed in the depths, you are there. | | If I rise on the wings of the dawn, | | If I settle on the far side of the sea, | | Even there your hand will guide me, | | Your right hand will hold me fast. | | Psalm 139:5,7-10 | All this time I thought I was holding on to God, grasping with all my earthly might not to let go. And that is precisely why God told me to let go. He knew that when I finally loosened my grip, I would realize he was holding me fast. God's Word and his promises began to sink in. I realized, I really do believe this! And for the first time in months, I felt a glimmering of hope. Adapted from A Joy I'd Never Known by Jan Dravecky with Connie Neal, pgs 129-130.
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